Fear

To you I look normal. Internally, I'm on code red alert, blood beating with dangerous force against artery walls, but nobody notices as I go about my day. Somebody pulled a fire alarm in the building of my body so many years ago, and nobody's been able to turn it off. So now they just screen it out; pretend the sirens aren't wailing, red lights flashing. I can't remember if there ever really was a fire, or if it was all just a hoax, or even a drill. Perhaps it doesn't matter anymore. I just know I'm still scared. That I've never stopped being scared. I am, in fact, devoted to my fear. Maybe someday it'll pay off. Maybe I'll finally figure out what's wrong. Save the day. Maybe they'll call me a hero.

Meanwhile though, it sucks feeling this frantic. Walking down the street I pass a little boy going the other way, and I can't stop turning around checking that he hasn't changed course to come after me with a knife. Here's the thing I've learned about fear: it's better if you know what you're afraid of. The thing that terrifies most lurks in shadow unseen and nameless. So if you don't know what you're afraid of just make something up. It's easy. Here's a list of possibilities to get you started: snakes, cancer, airline travel, public speaking, death.

My favorite substitute fear is the life police. Life police write tickets for wrongful living. It might be for not mowing your lawn, or for not having a job or a boyfriend (or just not having the right job or boyfriend). Maybe your house is too messy or too clean. Maybe you have too much money (filthy rich), or not enough (dirt poor). Life police are everywhere! In fact we've all been life police at one time or another, and we've all got tickets-lots of 'em.

Usually life police just give shame citations (what my 6th grade teacher called "cold prickles"), but for truly grievous crimes community service is required. Community service might involve giving some guy you're not attracted to a blow job, working a crap job for low pay (although you're qualified for more pleasant employment), or just generally making a mess of your life so that other people look better by comparison. Life police are pretty scary, so if you're going to be afraid of something, they make a good choice.