Dan Savage once wrote in his sex advice column, Savage Love, that "all long-term relationships" were characterized by "unselfconscious farting." That Dan is a smart guy, and his observation got me thinking. I'd already made a list of the qualities I was looking for in a boyfriend (smart, handsome, blah, blah, blah) ; now I needed to decide how my future Mr. Right would manage his intestinal gas. Did I want someone who demurely excused himself, or just let it rip?
The way two people fart together (there's no end of possibilities--unobtrusively, maliciously, shamefully, comically...and so on) says loads about who they are as a couple. What kind of intimacy can there be between partners who aren't even willing to acknowledge their intestinal gas? Honesty, I reasoned, is a trait that runs across domains--a guy whose not embarrassed to fart will also be able to communicate other uncomfortable (smelly) truths. Only dishonest cheaters head to the bathroom when they feel one coming on. I knew that I was looking for an intimate relationship full of truthful sharing and transparency, so hidden farting was a deal breaker. If my guy wouldn't fart, I wouldn't stay. Period.
Today, I'm happy to report that my new boyfriend, Jose, has a farting style that really works for me. (Many thanks to all my new-agey friends--Mike, Debbie, Steve-- who taught me how to attract just the right kind of intestinal gas from the universe.) When Jose lets one fly, he does so with humor and penache: I can't help but be charmed.
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